Types of Moustaches for Movember
Pick your ‘stache and choose your personality
Each year from 1 November to 30 November men around the world (women are encouraged to participate as supporters) are urged to take part in Movember, a global charity event that sees the normally clean-shaven sprouting moustaches to raise funds and awareness for men’s health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer.
These moustachioed ‘Mo Bros’ are, essentially, campaign billboards for the month; though, stats relating to the clued-up state of participants are, well, fuzzy, to say the least.
Regardless, when it comes to growing, grooming and fine-tuning a moustache, there’s much to be considered. For starters, it’s essential to pick the right style. It’s a well-known fact that Tom Selleck is the only man on earth ever to look sexy with a ‘mo’, and it’s an unspoken truth that moustaches are just plain creepy; so, if you’re an average male looking to cultivate a lip warmer, it’s crucial to know what you’ve signed up for.
With that in mind, we’ve come up with a series of personality profiles that can help you identify just which look is ideal for you. Happy Movember (and may Decembeard, Januhairy and Febuhairy be just as lustrous)!
The Trucker Moustache
Those keen on growing and grooming this horseshoe-shaped facial fuzz will likely insist on being high-octane badass mother fuckers; then again, they’ll likely also swear the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. Wearers of ‘The Trucker’ tend to have a deep and meaningful relationship with Mary Jane; though, they’re often estranged from their father and grandfather (who are generally, and conveniently, the same person). Though originally associated with men (and a few women) from poor rural areas, this finely-tuned moustache has now been adopted by those rich in many ways: we’re talking people with more mesh hats than clean pairs of underwear and more mobile homes than moving cars. When not slogging back a Black Label or ten, ‘The Trucker’ wearer spends time huffing petrol, howling to Jack Parow and perving over forbidden women (after all, incest is illegal in SA).
- Likes: Motel room pens, skid marks (we’re not talking about the ones on the road) and pissing into plastic bottles
- Famous Wearers: Hulk Hogan, Jack Parow and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Pulp Fiction)
The Borat Moustache
As thick as it is lustrous, this caterpillar-like lip warmer is the perfect ‘mo’ for those game for a rousing round of bride napping after an afternoon invested in their favourite pastime: ‘drink driving’. Wearers of ‘The Borat’ aren’t cultureless, however; on the contrary, these ‘mo’ sporters adore Eastern European indie-pop sensation Soviet Bloc Party, love a Molotov cocktail and swear by serious gourmet fare: Kalashnikov and horse sausage. The original wearers of ‘The Borat’ were also keen businessmen: most had thriving wivestock enterprises and many were involved in jewery import-export. When not fingering their gold chains – it’s been said this helps those donning the ‘The Borat’ to think (a course of action they try to take as little as possible) – these manly moustachioed men spend time daydreaming about life’s little luxuries: a toothbrush, a velour sweat suit and cheap heroin.
- Likes: Misogyny and anti-semitism
- Famous Wearers: Borat and used-car salesman from Gdańsk
The Major Major Moustache
The magnum of the moustache hair-a-sphere, this full-bodied, bushy nose tickler is front-line, grade-A camouflage apparel. Guarding soft farts (meaning, the weak-willed) against the countless incendiary forces of the outside world (they’re out there, and they’re coming for you), ‘The Major Major’ is the ‘mo’ equivalent to strapping an assault rifle to your face and H-bombing the egos that stand in your way (and even those that don’t). Wearers of this moustache demand respect and embody sex appeal; though, rumour has it, they also like taking orders: hard, fast, mean orders. Most ‘Major Major’ growers boast a sense of humour nearly as sharp as a dove’s tail, so it’s best to adopt a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy around them. After all, there’s no knowing what crazed state of consciousness lurks behind their macho ‘stache.
- Likes: Chicken shit, Hawaiian shirts and looking in the mirror
- Famous Wearers: Tom Selleck
The Toothbrush Moustache
Those bold enough to flaunt this low-maintenance postage stamp-like patch of hair tend to think of themselves as individuals adept at pushing boundaries (and then setting up their own…it’s important to have boundaries, after all…everyone needs parameters…right…hey…don’t they…you agree?). Generally soft-spoken, if not taciturn, sporters of this ‘mo’ nonetheless tend to lay claim to a commanding presence, one that could engineer a cult-like following if so desired. Eccentric, ingenious and beguiling, ‘The Toothbrush’ wearers are the last people you’d want to be left with in a ‘Hunger Games’ arena or in a Middle American high school cafeteria in a state where gun laws are lax and crazy is a subculture. All said and done though, those who don this square ‘stache do have one compassionate soft spot: they love animals, especially the scapegoat and the pigs from ‘Animal Farm’.
- Likes: White lies, ‘Pinky and the Brain’ and nightfall
- Famous Wearers: Charlie Chaplin, Adolph Hitler and Robert Mugabe
The Pencil Moustache
Those who don this thin, closely-cropped pipe cleaner of a ‘mo’ love the colour bourgeoisie and can spend endless hours immersed in their favourite hobby: speaking about themselves in the third person. When not organising their extensive wardrobe according to material and hue, ‘The Pencil’ wearers enjoy discussing the merits of film noir (they love black movie stars) and picking up all the names they’ve happened to drop in conversation. While immaculately dressed, these moustachioed prima donnas can be somewhat pompous and slightly inappropriate; “is that a banana in your pocket, or my hand?rdquo; they may joke.
- Likes: The smell of leather-bound books, the taste of mother’s milk and wanking
- Famous Wearers: The artist formerly known as Prince, Gomez Addams and Zorro
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Read our overview of more annual Cape Town events in November.
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